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Sunday, January 17, 2010
All those Spoof movies: Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans: To be fair, Date Movie isn’t as bad as the other two movies. And, I haven’t gotten around to watching their last movie Disaster Movie.
Miami Vice
Miami Vice: This is a remake made by the man that helped write the original show. Heck, I liked the old TV, and I still remember watching it on NBC way back in the day. Jamie Foxx and Ferrell are too serious here. One thing Michael Mann forgot to add to this movie was entertainment. It was like he was trying his hardest to make the anti-Bad Boys that he forgot to make the film viewable for the rest of the audience. If I didn’t go with friends, I would have walked out of this movie.
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American Outlaws: Colin Ferrell plays a “young gun” that fights against the establishment as other “young guns” join him in the fight. This is a blatant rip-off of Young Guns except with Moby playing in the titles. That’s right they had Moby music playing in the opening credits. Replace Jesse James with Billy the Kid. The best part of this movie is the catch phrase on the poster “Bad is good again.” Terry O'Quinn not only plays a character in Young Guns, but has a role in this movie too! What makes this really a bad movie is that they made it as if someone from MTV directed it. Young Guns felt like a Western, this feels like a MTV show set in a western. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed
Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed: Critics hated first movie, and children loved it. To everyone’s surprise, the first movie was a massive hit. Of course, the studio rushed another sequel out. They didn’t even bother to upgrade the FX on Scooby-Doo for the second movie. You can throw in the Garfield sequel in the place of this one if you want.The Spirit
The Spirit: Think of this over stylized movie as a cheap remake of 300 and Sin City. What was director Frank Miller thinking? I’m not sure if he was trying to be campy or just stupid. No one comes out of this movie looking good, except for Eva Mendes’ ass, which has many close-ups. This movie shouldn’t be confused with the animated movie with the Bryan Adams soundtrack. Though this movie could have used a little Adams music. The movie pissed off Spirit fans and regular movie watchers alike. Thank you, Frank Miller, on proving you can’t direct. The Marine
The Marine: I already ripped into this movie proper in my review, but let’s just say that John Cena has more in common with driftwood in real acting in this overblown PG-13 action movie. Everyone drives supped-up cars, including the police. Cena runs around with the same dumb expression throughout the movie.Taxi
Taxi: Not to be confused with the TV show, this Luc Besson remake just doesn’t stand up after several viewings. I don’t know who thought putting Queen Latifah and Jimmy Fallon in the same movie was a good idea. Fallon tries his best here, but it ends up destroying his fledging movie career. Did I mention the taxi can transform into a super-taxi with boosters?
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Sure Kristin Kreuk looks cute as Chun-Li, but she can’t act worth a damn. She can’t even do the non-speaking scenes without acting dreadful. Capcom, you’re saying there wasn’t an Asian actress out there that could act and fight that could not fit in the role? Chris Klein is almost as bad as Kristin. This movie is even worst than that DOA movie that came out earlier in decade. You have to decide which Street Fight movie is the worst, the 90s movie or this one.Freddy Got Fingered
Freddy Got Fingered: There is no excuse for this random mess passing itself off as a movie. The studio gave Tom Green a lot of money to make this random mess. I’m sure the studio was scratching their heads when they saw the final cut. I mean none of it makes any sense…none of it. There are poop jokes, masturbation jokes, and there gore jokes, yet none of the jokes are funny. Tom Green should re-pay every cent he spent on this movie back to the people that watched it. And, I used to find Tom Green funny, but now I’ve grown out of it.
When your best scene is having your main character wear a sausage hat and pulley system, you know the rest of the movie is going to be shit.
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Battlefield Earth (Worst movie of the Decade)
Battlefield Earth: Disguised as a Star Wars rip off, this sci-fi flick is more of a Scientology propaganda film. All of L. Ron Hubbard’s flaws from his “epic” story are carried over to this film. Why are these powerful aliens so worried about gold? They can jump to great distances in space and they have a huge Empire, but they can’t replicate gold? At one point, John Travolta’s character wants to prove he’s a badass. So, he shoots the legs off cows to prove a point.
This movie has some of the dumbest villain ever created. Travolta’s character never fully explores why his so-called gold was melted into neat little blocks and just goes along with it. Barry Pepper just dances around and grunts at everyone. Travolta laughs like he’s on a Saturday morning cartoon show.
“Piece of cake.”
I’m tempted to go back in time and slap Hubbard in his face and ask him why he wrote the book. Then, I’ll demand my money back.
Take a look yourself.
